Sharpin X: Kickstarter Pitch Teardown & Headline Fix

July 4, 2020

What is Sharpin X?

It is a modular and customizable bartop pinball machine that comes with its own screen, but you can also connect it with your monitor and/or PC to play any pinball games.

Other than their website, they also sell their modular pinball setups at some crowdfunding platforms such as Kickstarter.

Sharpin X: Kickstarter Pitch Teardown and Headline Fix

This is the third web copy teardown so far – from the series of web copy teardowns that I’m doing.

If you wanna read/watch the other two teardown, take a look at:

FindThatLead: Home Page Teardown and Headline Fix

Tensor Social: Home Page Teardown and CTA Fix

And dudes and dudettes, since the video is here to do the heavy-lifting, the text part would be brief, to the point and without any images.

What’s in this Teardown?

I examined the hero section copy included the on-screen copy in the video, video itself, body copy, and the last part of the pitch. Other than how they messed up with the headline and a few problems with body copy, this is more or less, a job well done.

Disclaimer: I’m not here to prove or disprove anything. I actually picked a pitch that was neither among the best ones on Kickstarter nor the worst ones. It is just a part of the learning process. I totally don’t know who they hired to do this job or what is their logic behind their copy decisions. It’s just another meek attempt of mine at learning all things related to copy.

The Bachelorette is Beautiful – But She’s Mute (The Hero Section)

What a tragedy.

This is a beautiful pitch for a beautiful product – but there are certain problems.

The video’s thumbnail is attractive, but it has very little copy and the video itself has no copy at all.

You just listen to loud music and you watch the product from different angles.

The only thing good about the video is that they show you how you can play pinball using physical buttons on the device.

There is no copy whatsoever – on-screen or voiceover – in the video and that’s a great opportunity wasted.

Another wasted opportunity is the headline (if not the subheadline). It says nothing except “Sharpin X”.

I used a simple headline formula from the golden age of advertising to fix that.

That Body is a Feast for Everyone’s Eyes (Body Section)

Where they actually nailed it is in the body section.

It’s not that they did not make mistakes in that section, but overall it was a job well done.

Let us talk about what they did so well in that section.

Everyone Loves Her – She’s Got a Pile of Love Letters (Social Proof)

So, where they did marvelously well is in the social proof section.

There is a ton of social proof there.

From English and German reviews to YouTubers’ recommendations to ‘featured on‘ part – they just blow your mind off.

First of all, the reviews are in three different languages to attract prospects from three different socio-linguistic regions: English, German, and French (video review).

Secondly, they made two ‘featured on’ parts to show how they have been featured on 8 gadgets, gaming, and relevant forums as well as on BackerClub which is another crowdfunding platform.

The only complaint that I have is about the strategic distribution of social proof. One of those textual reviews and one of those videos could be used in the last part to compel the most ‘sitting on the fence type of prospects.

And Boy Does She Know How to Organize Her Stuff!

So, another thing that I loved about the body copy is how well-organized is the information.

First of all, there are a lot of bullet points that one can easily skim and scan.

Secondly, they have separately listed the components that you get if you buy the basic kit and those that you have to buy separately.

Thirdly, they mentioned the price for optional/additional stuff – an itemized list so the reader can do the math.

Fourthly and lastly, they clarified that the prices that you see on the page are subject to market situation and may change around 20%.

She Knows How to Manage Expectations

If you go to the Risks & Challenges section, you can see how Dale Carnegie-ly they managed the expectations. After mentioning the plus points of their product, they made it clear that the only problem that you might have is late deliveries.

Psst … Hey, She has Webbed Toes

Sorry to disappoint you, but the CTA section or the last section does not look so well.

The only good thing they did was mention a benefit that the product is made of solid wood, but they missed out on a lot:

  • They should’ve saved a little social proof to give a steroid shot to the last part,
  • They should’ve addressed some fears (regarding the product, not delivery) that their prospects might have in their minds, and
  • Instead of just repeating one benefit, they should have recapped all of them

How I Helped Her Communicate

So, I fixed the headline following a basic headline formula, which is:

product name: value proposition

And I changed the headline from:

Sharpin X


Sharpin X: A Modular Bartop Pinball Machine. Super Fun to Customize

This is it peeps.

I hope you liked the teardown.

In case you have any questions, suggestions, or feedback, share them in the comment box below.

I’d soon be back with another teardown …

Till then …

About Bilal Ahmed

A direct response copywriter obsessed with persuasion techniques and hacks from great-grandpa Claude Hopkins's times till this date!


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